Say it ain't so, Tiger!

Doug Ross alerts us to this sad rumor from TMZ: Before his car accident, Tiger Woods argued with his wife about reports by the National Enquirer that Tiger had an affair with notorious floozy, Rachel Uchitel.

For the record, the floozy has denied the Enquirer story, but who can trust a floozy to tell the truth? More disturbing is the possibility that the golf champion took a mulligan on his wedding vows to Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren.

My advice to you, Tiger? Plead insanity. Because you'd have to be crazy to cheat on her.

Even though those nude photos turned out to be a hoax (we pride ourselves on careful research here), Elin's still a genuine Swedish super-model, not to mention the mother of your children.

The Rod Stewart Celebrity Cheating Rule applies here: If you're going to cheat on a Swedish super-model, it's got to be at least an equal exchange, and a notorious floozy is way below the acceptable exhange rate for Swedish super-models.

Stick with the insanity defense, Tiger. Your car accident? That was obviously a cry for help. This is a good time to reference one of the most inspirational scenes in American motion picture history:

Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, your brother's insurance company buys him a new car. D-Day takes care of the wreck.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.

Get well soon, Tiger! Meanwhile, we will continue to investigate rumors that people are doing Google searches for Rachel Uchitel photos. These reports can not yet be confirmed or denied, although if Rachel Uchitel topless or Rachel Uchitel sex video becomes available, we promise to keep our readers informed of the latest breaking developments.

UPDATE: David Frum laments that cable TV news doesn't talk about serious issues. As if the possibility of Tiger Woods cheating on sexy Elin Nordegren wasn't a serious issue. And as if cable TV news could survive without celebrity sex scandals.

Hey, Dave: We can't all be on the AEI payroll, OK? There's this thing called the "private sector," where we greedy capitalists have to figure out a way to pay for our wives' Black Friday shopping sprees.

Professor Donald Douglas ca n explain how this "capitalism" thing works. Supply, demand, yadda yadda.

UPDATE II: Dan Riehl knows the news value of this story. Dan's traffic was through the roof back during the Natalie Holloway heyday.

It is elitism to suppose that political news is the only news worth reporting. As a professional journalist, I've always appreciated the New York Post, which mixes real political reporting with garish celebrity tabloid news. Why does that work? Rule 5(B) explains it:

All politics all the time gets boring after a while. . . . Even a stone political junkie cannot subsist on a 24/7 diet of politics. The occasional joke, the occasional hot babe, the occasional joke about a hot babe -- it's a safety valve to make sure we don't become humorless right-wing clones of those Democratic Underground moonbats.

Relax and have fun.

UPDATE III: Professor Jacobson's speculation was right on target, and Carol at No Sheeples Here exposes the conspiracy against Tiger Woods.

UPDATE IV: Left Coast Rebel tries to cash in on the Google-bomb action. He raises an important question: Did the pressures of fame cause Tiger to stray? I doubt it. Tiger had been world-famous for several years when he married Elin in 2004.

A more likely scenario: The routine of marriage began to feel uncomfortably repetitive to the popular bachelor who had become accustomed to swinging his club freely on the world's finest courses. IYKWIMAITYD.

Tiger Woods certainly wouldn't be the first hubby who, after a few years of golfing the same par-4 over and over, couldn't resist an invitation to tee off on another fairway. At which point, Mrs. Woods decided to remind him of that "death do us part" vow by going upside his head with a 5 iron.

Let's hope this attitude adjustment had the desired effect. Remember, Tiger: She's got a kitchen full of knives, and you've got to sleep sometime.